After a quarter of a century of being used to certain foods/smells/people it does not take a genius to figure out that a shift in the stars won’t leave a person feeling helpless, and sometimes, lost.
Please don’t misunderstand. I am very very happy where I am and where we are going. I could not ask for more, truly. But even if a person feels as complete as they ever have/ever will be it’s hard to not look back and miss everything she once knew. I have not shown it much but this move has been, at times, quite difficult. I may just be good at keeping myself distracted from that because if not for the spontaneous sobbing that happens when I am alone I would not know how deep my emotions really run. And I am not alone a lot of the time; I think subconsciously I may do that on purpose. There is just so much to get used to, aside from the actual move, going from working full-time to stay-at-home — where I sometimes feel I’m losing my identity — to conditioning myself for the most important role I will ever have. I have not quite found that balance and I struggle with it, this should be no surprise. I give myself a hard time for not figuring things out straight away. I don’t feel overwhelmed I just feel unsure, and I don’t like that. This uncertainty of being a housewife and mother… a good housewife and mother, these roles are both new to me and it will be who I am for years and years. The not knowing if I will succeed or fail is overpowering. But even more than that I am terrified of forgetting who I am and where I’ve been. How on earth will I come out of this unscathed? It’s almost an impossible feat. Embracing the future would be so much easier if I weren’t constantly clinging to things that are familiar to me, I realize this, and I’m not even sure why I do these things. It could just be the human condition, why do we keep things that are familiar close even if what’s ahead of us is so much better? There are things that I need to let go of — this is obvious– and I will. It’s about time I am honest with myself and others so that I can move on. I believe I can do that now.
I received a card from a special colleague on my last day in dept. 384 with Disney. The front of the card reads,
“Be not the slave of your own past — plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson
My colleague’s name is Michael Lockett. Sometimes even I need a reminder; I am lucky to have one so meaningful in all ways.
As I have said previously, I can cross that line now.
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